More often than not, we find ourselves snooping over fences and into windows. The lives of others fascinate us. We have a lifelong obsession with knowing what they are doing; how they do it; what we need to copy from them. What are they wearing? Where do they get that stuff? How do they look so effortlessly stylish? I feel shabby now. I wonder what that ensemble costs? Where are their kids schooling? Where do they get that kind of money? How do they achieve such an exemplary love affair? Why is their relationship devoid of drama and hullabaloo and shenanigans? I wonder what the secret is? Let me keep looking, so I can figure it outâŠ
We always think that we would be happier in a different set of circumstances. A man married to Jane always thinks he would be happier if he was married to Mary. This generally implies that we are not contended with our present conditions. We keep cribbing about our job conditions saying that it is tedious, highly demanding, my boss is not cooperative etc.; we look at some businessmen and think they are happier, they donât have bosses, they can come and go any time; the neighborsâ wife is better-looking, she is so pretty than mine, she is more efficient, and his kids are more intelligent; in short when we compare our situations to otherâs we feel repentant and so-sorry for self. Every time we juxtapose our conditions with so and so’s condition, the grass on their side of the fence proves greener. In our anxiousness we get engrossed with thoughts of a different life, perhaps a better life somewhere else.
When problems occur in our life, we are taken over by envy, believing that other people have better things, they are happier than us and this thought makes us anxious. We want everything good, and this âgoodâ is an illusion, it is persecuted by the belief that we have so little. We are taken over by greed, wanting more and more and more, feeling that what we have cannot ever be enough.
Friends, by denying the goodness of our very own lives, we believe that we have nothing good to work with! This thought reduces the capacity to work with our strengths and our opportunities. Such thoughts weaken the bonds between us and those we love. In our stupidity we pause and start comparing and contrasting our situations with those of others. This is where we lose focus, self-confidence and hope. We end up cultivating an inferiority complex.
In business this practice has been camouflaged with respectable names: benchmarking , and market intelligence. We pay for this stuff. We hire people and go to business school to help us compare ourselves, and to learn from the best. We believe it helps. We forget that those we are benchmarking against never benchmarked themselves against anyone; and that they never seem to bother to gather any intelligence about us. Their singular focus and energy is employed in tending and watering their “garden.” This leads us to the first point on why the grass is always greener on the other side:
1. Because you are not tending and watering your side of the fence!
Robert Fulghum, author of that classic book âAll I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergartenâ put it this way: âThe grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. No, not at all. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered! When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you are.â
Isnât it true? If their grass is greener, itâs because they tend to it better. If their marriage is working, its because they are doing something to make it so. If their relationship is working, definitely they are trying tricks that you have not dared try. They know what matters!
If you want a good relationship, invest in it. Expect no miracle! If you get a chance to be in love with someone, there is plenty in there to preoccupy you wholly. You got to love skillfully, love with expertise, love wisely. Avoid the pitfall of juxtaposing your experience with that of someone else. How on earth are you going to be happy in your relationship if you get stuck in morbid obsession with what others are doing? When the grass is green, Someone thought about the grass; chose it, planted it; nurtured it; gave it time and attention. So water the grass on your side!
2. You can’t see the green-ness on your side because your eyes are on the other side.
An entire generation is growing up discussing Kim Kardashianâs new dress and Brad Pittâs new beard, forgeting that even Onsare here has a serious beardđ. Folks are wasting their God-given time debating the ins and outs of the latest celebrity divorce; or bitching about so-and-so who thinks sheâs so hoity-toity. What has any of that got to do with your life? When will you ever concentrate on your side of life? When will you ever realize that you and all that is associated with you is good and unique in its own way? If you keep talking about so and so’s girlfriend, when will you talk about yours? Who will glorify yours? Who will idolize yours? The best question can then be, what can I do to make mine the talk of town too? If your time is all spent on others, when will you spend time on yourself? When will you realize the beauty that lies around you if your focus is on the other side of the fence?
Individuals who make it big the right way have something in common: they really arenât bothered by what others are doing. They form their own ideas; they clarify them over time through trial and error; and they keep going, resolutely, even in adversity. The rest? Well, they keep peering at everyone else, wondering what the âsecretâ is. Hereâs your answer, voyeurs:
Dont throw your eyes aimlessly into other people’s gardens. Dont let your thoughts wander so far away. Focus, and singularly so, on yourself. There is something about you that others too admire. There is something about your wife/girlfriend that can be smiled about. There is something about your probox that most people love; so forget nani’s range rover. You risk overlooking the goodness of the canaan around you if all of your concentration is on those un-attainables of life. You have your garden right there under your feet. Pay attention to it, tend to it, give it nourishment, try something different. It will grow beautifully, without you ever needing to walk over the fence. The answer is on your side, not the other side.
3. When the grass is greener on the other side, maybe, Maybe it is thriving on sewage.
That fresh cucumber in your salad or your dose of green leafy veggies could well have been grown using raw sewage discharge.
As you grab that succulent spinach, just know it might have grown on the banks of the Nairobi river, which is so toxic that not even the poisonous reptiles can survive in there. It might look healthy from the outside but deep and honest assessment only reveals the magnitude of toxicity in side.
Well, this is the true state of the grass on the other side of the fence that many of us admire. This is the sorry state of that relationship that you keep talking about. This is the deplorable state of that marriage that you keep praising. An outer look paints an all rosy and cosy picture. But its a deceptive impression. It is hypocritical. Is is pharisaical. Its more like a cup cleaned from the outside but all the dirt hidden inside. Its akin to whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are mossy, old and full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness.
“What will people say if our relationship ends?” This and many other silly and illogical rationales keep people in abusive relationships and marriages. An African man will stay glued to a lady even when he is convinced he is loved not. The brother stays on even when all the glaring evidence indicates that he is cheated on with every Tom and Johnie. Reason for staying on? “what will people say if I walk out?” A lady will endure physical violence in her marriage just because she fears “what will people say?” There is trouble in paradise but yes, she stays on fearing “what will people say if I leave?”.
Paradoxically, to the outside world, these individuals often behave in an exemplary manner. They behave in a way that leaves many salivating at their thriving affairs, yet behind the scenes its hell at it best! Looking so firm and solid, yet founded on base metal, grounded on sinking sand and suspended by a sewerage system of unimaginable actions of commission and omission.
As you look beyond in admiration of the success of others, as you look beyond to catch a glimpse of the pomp and romp that characterizes people’s affairs, as you stand amazed at the green-ness on the other side of the fence, just know things are not always like you see them on the other side. That They too have dark and troublesome times. They also have bright and sunny sides too. There is more than what you can just see. Just like you, everyone else has struggles. The skies aren’t always blue on the other side just like they aren’t always blue on your side. That green grass you are admiring might be owing its green-ness to the constant supply of sewage! MayThat green grass might not be the natural green grass. It might be artificial grass. So stop comparisons.
Just be content with what you have. Be content with your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, job, house car etc. Contentment is a state of happiness, satisfaction and ease of mind. To be content doesnât mean you donât desire more, it means youâre thankful for what you have and patient for whatâs to come. Contentment comes from many great and small acceptances in life. Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have. Contentment is an attitude that says, I will be satisfied with what God has given me.
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